My New End at the Beginning

Editorial Note (From Giuseppe): Today's Guest Blogger is yet another of my North Dakotan associates, Mr Mike Tintes. According to the blogger: "Mike "v2.0" Tintes is a computer science junky enrolled and sometimes attending the University of North Dakota. Whilst not computing he sometimes likes to go outside. His skill set includes DJ-ing, turntablism and hockey, though not at the same time. He finds joy in irony and lines above all things. If you wish to chat or comment directly to him send an email to tuxedoorigin@hotmail.com. Have a wonderful day. I hope you don't get exploited." We look forward to experiencing his worldview. 

Good Morning and seeing as it is fact the afternoon I guess you already know if it was. To think that is my first sentence on this blog. Like I did not mention my name is Mike "v2.0". In case that does not mean anything to you then its nice to meet you. Like I said this is my first time so be gentle. I did nothing dramatic to get this gig except ask for it they handed to to me based on few to less than a few credentials. I guess they liked my resume. see left picture. Anyway I would like to start this blog with what i will mostly be writing, an essay.

I call this post 'The Epidemic' please enjoy and tell me what you think.

The Epidemic

One thousand down every minute. The amount is astounding. i don't think they ever understood the impact good or bad. I will tell you the real story and you can decide, AIRHEADS, are they too out of control?

Let's go back to the beginning of this mystery. No one really knows where salt water taffy got its start. It is clear that it started sometime around 1800, in the Midwest or Atlantic City. Not disturbing enough for the common folk? Well maybe some facts about 1800 that will disturb you. In the year 1800 the worlds population was nearing one billion. Thats right one billion thats one hundred million multiplied by 10 or in other words if you had one billion apples and had two taken away then added two apples thats almost how many people were on earth. That is an ass load of apples. Thats enough apples to feed one billion people for one snack or one really fat guy for like an hour. The obese man would have to be very very fat.

1800 would have also been the year the bank of France was founded. I think we all know the country well enough without having to go over its smelly armpits and hairy women. Its unemployment rate for 2007 was 8%. Its almost as if they were competing to do this bad. But I digress because we all know France sucks cheese.

Airheads were invented by a company by the name of Perfetti Van Melle. Perfetti, an Italian, and Van Melle, of the Netherlands created the company. Italians and Netherlanders working together, does this sound suspicious enough? I did my research and came up with a few names you may know Lou Costello, Joe DiMaggio, Leonardo da Vinci. Do they sound familiar they should they are all descendants of Italian Immigrants or Italian themselves. I dug further and found some more names Leonardo Pisano Fibonacci, the famous mathematician, Robert Di Nero, the actor. If there is one thing I do know about Italians its this they are all gangster and mobsters. They also enjoy bragging about their “mamma's Cappellini”, which as it turns out is not a sexual reference, and ending words with “i”s. I kept looking around the internet or “The answers to everything” as I like to call it, and couldn't find any famous people from the Netherlands, because its an awful place, so all I have to go on is racial stereotypes and movies. People like Dr. Evil were from the Netherlands. You really want to trust your candy with a man like that? Me neither.

According to Airheads expert Steve, a 7 year old who lives down the block, “Airheads are the bestest thing ever.” Steve is 7 years old and still uses the word “bestest”. Will you trust your candy choice to a kid like this. When asked about her son's statement Steven's mother replied, “Get away from my son you creep. If I see you walking anywhere near my son again I will call the police.” Studies haven't been run but my guess is this candy is rotting Steven's poor fragile mind turning him into an airhead. This is one theory as to how it reproduces. Other theories have been made such as factories make the candy, but the theory was found totally and completely preposterous by the surgeon general. When asked “why?” Steven K. Galson the current acting surgeon general replied, “The insanity, to think someone actually creating this monstrous candy its asinine.” America is full of people that are insane.

Insanity is on a rise in the United States of America. According to a study one in every four people have a mental illness. Its a simple test. First, think of three people close to you. Second ask yourself “are any of them insane?” Third, if the answer is no then you are in-fact insane yourself. You should seek help immediately and should not ingest any airheads.

Airheads are in over 50% of homes in the USA according to a statistic I just made up. This is a scary fact when you think about that only 38% of households own a weapon. That means that 62% of homes are not protected if these airheads escape their wrapper and decide to take families hostage, a fact that may keep most people awake at night. In an underground lab tests were run simulating what one of these takeovers would be like. According to Bill Nye aka “the Science Guy” who chose to remain nameless, “The Airheads escaped their packaging, and in under two minutes they had taken the family hostage and dissolved all of their teeth.” Although this may not be all to frightening for the south, because none of them have teeth. It is all to real of a scenario for those of us with pearly whites.

In conclusion, should we trust the mobsters/pure evil that is airheads candy. Well let the facts speak for themselves and lets hope you are one of the 28% of people that own a gun in these United States of America. As for me well there is a knife under my pillow and cyanide capsules in the nightstand.